Oh lord. Stevie Wonder night. How many wanna bet they butcher his catalogue?

Melissa McGhee’s black dress was stunning. Obviously she’s singing a ballad.

The show starts.

Ace Young, what the hell sweetheart. I’m gonna need you to find the pitch. As soon as he said he was gonna sing “Do I Do” I knew he was fucked. First of all, if you’re gonna sing a song like that, you at least need to stay in the right key. Second, you need to have charisma (see Mario Vazquez). Paula needs to get her ears and her blood checked. All that valium’s giving you delusions of grandeur sweetheart.

Kellie Pickler, what people love about you is that you’re adorable and unpretentious. The dress, the hair, even the song, it was all a little too Celine Dion. The rendition of the song was sweet, but you were nervous out of your ass, and it was one of the most boring performances I’ve ever seen in the top 12. With that said, as Simon would say, she’s going to “sail through” to next week. Let’s not forget people, Carrie Underwood’s performance of “When Will I Be Loved” in the first week of the Top 12 didn’t get good comments from the judges either. Then she came back next week and sang “Alone“.

Elliott Yamin, if you win, please use that million dollars to fix your teeth. I’m starting to feel like I’m watching someone sing in a subway station. With that said, it was a good performance, and the run at the end was great. He’s got a beautiful, soulful voice. He’s just gotta learn to color up the songs a bit more. Especially Stevie.

Mandisa’s performing barefoot. I feel slightly uncomfortable. It might have something to do with the fact that the midriff of her body is the most odd shape I’ve ever seen in my life. Or the fact that this is the shittiest song choice she could have possibly made. A few good vocal runs, but we already know you can sing. The performance overall was effective at best. Hopefully we’ll see better from you in later weeks.

Bucky Covington. First of all, your name’s Bucky. That in itself is a reason not to vote for you. Someone remind me how the lead singer of Nickelback’s inbred 3rd cousin got on American Idol? Second, this guy singing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition is like Hilary Duff playing Effie in Dreamgirls. Never again. Never…again. Please go back to the spontaneous hole in the ground in Utah you crawled out of.

Melissa McGhee, like I said, looks beautiful tonight. Very Felicity Huffman at the Oscars. Except a bit more Transamerica and a bit more tits. She’s singing “Lately”. I love this song. RJ Helton turned it out the first season. What..the…hell..? She absolutely BUTCHERED the lyrics and was off-pitch everywhere. She’s got a voice like Randy said, but how can you forget the words to “Lately“, sweetheart? And not just once, four times. I don’t agree with Simon that it was her best performance, she’s had better in past weeks, but it was a pretty good performance.

Lisa Tucker. Grr. I absolutely hate this girl and wish to God Ayla Brown was in her place. She’s so ridiculously overrated and I’m not sure why. What performance has she had so far that the judges have said has blown them away? Yet she’s the best 16 year old the show’s ever had? N-n-n-no. Her rendition of Tiffany Taylor’s “Here’s Where I Stand” was horrendous and she completely dodged the high note at the end that would’ve made the performance. What the hell is she wearing tonight? This outfit is a little too tween Pussycat dolls. And the performance of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” is laughable. Why do the judges keep saying how great she is? Where is the proof? It’s definitely not in the pudding. Simon…honey…best performance of the night? Can I have some of the acid you just dropped?

Kevin Covais. I’m gonna need you to not look like an albino fetus. I’ll admit it, at random moments, you are a little adorable. But mostly just annoying and freaky. What’s with the song choices tonight? Why in hell would he choose “Part-Time Lover“? The vocals..the dancing…the face….please excuse me while I go drown myself in my uncleaned toilet bowl. And have I mentioned yet how much I hate it when contestants get all pissy with Simon? Did Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood ever back-talk? No, they just took the criticism, nodded and smiled, and went on to win without ever even being in the bottom 3. Get over it.

Katharine McPhee looks great tonight. She looks very Martina McBride meets old Hollywood. I love her. Yes, honey. Finally someone’s on pitch. Oh, she sounds great. Stevie’s right, this girl has a lot of potential. This rendition of “‘Til You Come Back To Me” is beautiful. The great thing about Katharine is she knows how to make a performance magical even with the quiet moments. YES! Wow. Simon just compared Katharine to Kelly Clarkson. What a huge compliment.

Taylor Hicks, bitches. He really knows how to make you feel a song. I don’t know what it is about this man, but his performances just have this authenticity, this heart and soul that makes you smile without even realizing it. You feel the music in your veins. Great performance of “Living For The City“–I see him going so far. Just one thing Taylor…the caterpillars parked above your eyes are bothering me a bit.

Paris Bennett. Not sure about the Ghetto Fab Barbie look, but I love this girl’s voice. She’s singing “All I Do” and she’s singing the HELL out of it. Go ‘head GIRL! Paris is very Fantasia but younger, and with a more listenable voice. I really cannot wait to see what happens when this brilliant vocalist pulls out all the stops.

Chris Daughtry. I..need to marry this man. I love him. I just want to oil up that bald head, rub my hands all over it—uhhh, I mean…great performance. Most original of the night, definitely. But I don’t think it was the best vocal of the night. And I think vocally Chris can do much better.

Best of the Night:

Vocal: Katherine McPhee

Performance: Taylor Hicks

Originality: Chris Daughtry

Going Home: Bucky Covington