Earlier this week I told you guys about my Idols Live experience. It was fun, I had a blast. But at no point was there any hanky-panky going on onstage (even though Paris Bennett came quite close on her own). Now, though, there’s a lot of buzz surrounding pictures that keep surfacing of Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee doing…well..something freaky at the end of the show.

Here’s a picture: (click for full size)

And here’s another one from the next night: (click for full size)

Sorry, ladies. Taylor Hicks likes it up the booty. Well I guess if it’s by a woman that only makes him half gay, right?

And what a nice McAss Kat has!

But here’s the thing..people are trying to give Kat shit over this for being too “sleazy”. Dude…lighten up. I’m sure kids have seen worse on Spongebob (we all know Spongebob and Patrick like them some hardcore anal) or in Daddy’s dirty mags. Second…why does Taylor get no blame? It’s okay for a man to be sexual but not a woman? Tsk, tsk America. Sexism still runs pretty deep.

Cheers.

Getting off the Metro train and walking the scorching hot streets of D.C heading toward the Verizon center, excitement and anticipation bubbled up in my gay little stomach like a bad meal at Taco Bell–but in a good way. People piled into the venue with their hats, shirts and signs while shady scalpers heckled people on the sidewalk.

There was a moment of freak out because we saw someone standing in a corner holding a sign that said “Elliott Fans Sign Here!” and a group of people huddled over there signing it. Putting this together with the little fact that Elliott wasn’t at the White House this morning had us going into panic mode. Oh hell no. First Katharine McPhee–now Elliott? I’m gonna need a refund. But we went in and one of the ticket scanners told us that Elliott was there. Phew.

We go in, and after a few minutes of random commercials on the screen and walking Pop-Tarts taking pictures with “fans” the show starts. The door opens…Mandisa enters the stage and does a rousing rendition of the diva-queen Whitney Houston’s I’m Every Woman. It’s pretty much the same rendition she gave on the show, and she tried her very best to get the crowd amped as possible but the excitement died down toward the end of the song and into her next If I Were Your Woman.

Ace Young gave us an orgasm-inducing Father Figure was just as good if not better than his original performance, and it was great to hear him sing the entire thing. Except next time I’m gonna need it to be a little less ABC Family and bit more HBO. Thanks. His next song Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5 actually restored what little faith I had in Ace’s full voice–as his falsetto is what always made me love him.

Lisa Tucker comes out and there’s moderate applause. She gives an uninspired rendition of Signed, Sealed, Delivered that couldn’t end soon enough. That was followed by two of Elton John’s best songs Your Song and Someone Saved My Life Tonight in which she accompanied herself on the piano. That shit was a little too wannabe Alicia Keys, and not in a good way. I suppose it was supposed to be impressive, but it was really just boring. I know 12 year olds that can play those tunes.

She introduces her “best friend” Paris Bennett who was one of my faves on Idol, but her set was so incredibly weird. One minute she’s singing Gladys Knight’s Midnight Train To Georgia (which, by the way did not live up to her rendition of it on Idol), the next minute she’s trying to be Beyonce. Like…really trying. Hard. The beginning of her Crazy In Love stint took moves RIGHT from the music video. Yeah, honey–those don’t work in real life. Only in Beyonce music video land. There were so many things jiggling and wriggling I could hardly concentrate on the sub-par vocals. C’mon, Paris. Where’s the Be Without You? Do I Do? Put your little booty-shaking away and just sing something.

Now this is the funniest moment of the night. Bucky comes on stage–and literally hundreds of people got up and left. Not the entire concert I’m sure, but everybody and their Grandma Norma started heading toward the bathrooms and concession stands. Kids near me starting playing “patty cake” and I blurted out “anyone got a deck of cards? I’m in the mood for solitaire.” It was pretty sad. He gave us a lackluster performance of Superstition, some country song that I actually liked until tonight, and then began You’re The One That I Want from Grease. I heard a collective groan. Yes! Kellie Pickler came to save the day. They end their duet and Kellie begins her set.

I’d have to say I liked Kellie’s song picks the best–even though maybe that’s just because she picked songs she sang on the show. Ones she knew that people knew and enjoyed from her. I’m The Only One, Walking After Midnight, and Something To Talk About were the songs Kellie sang and all three were very enjoyable. The best part though, was when she told us a story in between songs about her messing around in the Library of the White House. She said she kept pushing all the books in to see if it would make the shelf turn around to reveal some secret room. Bucky told her she was doing it wrong and tried pulling the books instead. She said she told President Bush and he thought it was funny. Love this girl. Please come back to The View. The Hasselbot’s making me wanna die.

Intermission. A few minutes in we hear slight cheering. We look up on the screen…there’s no one important. The cheering gets louder, and louder, and louder. “What the hell’s going on?” I said. “It’s Elliott’s mom!” my friend yelled over the screaming crowd. Mrs. Yamin herself was strutting the main floor to make her way to to her seat and apparently everyone recognized her. Aww.

There was a really cool thing up on the screen that gave you a number to send text messages to–your message was then displayed on the screen. Of course we had nosebleed seats so we spent most of intermission trying to make out the orange blur that was the phone number. By the time we finally did make it out and sent in “I hate Bucky”, intermission was over and we just payed 30 cents for nothing. Damn.

Chris Daughtry takes the stage and the crowd goes crazy. I’m gonna need to meet this man so I can rub that shiny bald head and faint like a little schoolgirl named Susie. We all kept waivering between rocking back and forth, seizuring, and being stunned by the hottness that was his majesty. He sings Renegade, an excellent Wanted Dead or Alive in which the crowd participated, and then the Prince of Soul Elliott Yamin joins Chris for a duet that put the rest of the Idol match-ups to shame.

I was disappointed Elliott didn’t sing A Song For You which probably would’ve had me in the aisles crying my eyes out but I still enjoyed his set. He sang Moody’s Mood For Love, the song that made America fall in love with him back in the semi-finals, and Elvis Presley’s Trouble. Both of the songs were quite good and I’m all for anything Elliott Yamin but I feel like there could’ve been much better song choices there. And he had a cute hat.

Oh my God. It’s time for Katharine. Jesus Christ. This isn’t just her first time to the stage tonight. It’s her first time to the stage the entire freaking Idol tour. We’re such lucky bastards. All I hear is the “2! 3! 4!” and I start freaking out. “It’s Katharine! AAAAHHH!” You could tell from the crowd reaction as she took the stage to sing KT Tunstall’s Black Horse and the Cherry Tree that her presence was greatly missed. You could also tell from her vocals on the song that her cords were still strained. She was noticeably holding back and at times it was hard to tell if she was even actually singing. But give the girl a break–she had laryngitis AND bronchitis. Despite the okay performance, Katharine finished the song to a crapload of applause and cheers. People just kept going. The cheering didn’t end.

She wiped away tears and thanked everyone for their support as well as apologized for her absence. She explained that this was her first appearance on the Idol tour and that she was actually supposed to be at the Pittsburgh one but her flight from New York (she, like Pickler, also did The View in NYC) got delayed. “We were in the airport for 9 hours!” she says. Katharine tells us that the doctor’s orders are that she can only sing 2 songs, and that the second song will be Somewhere Over The Rainbow (surprise, surprise right?). This song goes much, much better, and her rendition is as beautiful as ever.

Continuing to hold back a little, as she did on The View the earlier day, her acapella “When all the clouds…darken up the skyway, there’s a rainbow highway to be found” still took me out of the crowd and into McHeaven. Katharine’s return was clearly one of the events of the night, and I feel so, so bad for Kat fans that didn’t get to see her on the earlier tour dates. If she hadn’t been there in D.C. I might’ve taken it out on Bucky’s face. Not that there’s much more damage you could do there. Incest puts you in pretty bad shape. At one point I heard a little boy behind me whisper to his parents “I think the doctors told Katharine she was sick but she stayed off longer anyway ’cause she wanted to.” Uhm, you do know I’m a 6 foot tall black man with heavy shoes right little boy? It made me sad actually, to hear that because it just goes to show how much influence parents have over their kids’ opinions. The boy was too young to have that much hatred for anyone. It’s just not something a little boy would think of on his own–it was clearly something he got from his parents, who I heard earlier in the show call Kat a “Diva”. They just kept repeating it “Diva!, Diva!”. Right, and your kid’s the 8 year old?

And now we hear Taylor singing Jailhouse Rock…but we see no Taylor. What the eff? Whoa! Taylor emerges from the elevated seats in the arena surrounded by security guards as he makes his way through the crowd and to the stage to finish a truncated version of the Elvis tune. He wasn’t boring to say the least. If standing seizures and jerk-jerk to the left and the right is your kinda concert, you would’ve enjoyed it. If not…uh…just think of Chris Daughtry and it’ll all be better. Taking It To The Streets was fun and got us dancing around–but it was difficult to enjoy it when there are two eight year olds sitting behind you squealing like pigs who smell bacon frying in the kitchen. “SOUL PATROL! SOUL PATROL!” Dude, I’m gonna “soul patrol” your flimsy little asses into oncoming D.C. traffic if you don’t stuff a sock in it. I have no problem with cheering–as we did our fair share throughout the whole show. But when you sound like a broken dog whistle or Mariah Carey’s ad libs in a bad 90s pop song, there just needs to be a rule against that shit. “Be warned: Annoying cheering will result in submersion into a pit of fire. -God”

The idols came out at the end for a few more songs–we sang, we danced, we waved our arms back and forth. And then the night was over. I still say the best Idol concert performance ever was La Toya London, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, and Jon Peter Lewis covering “Hey Ya” a few years back, but hey–what can ya do? The show was fun, and that’s what American Idol is supposed to be. Well worth the 50 bucks even if there was an ugly Laguna Beach wannabe sitting in front of me texting the entire time. Your pimp can wait, sweetie. Chris Daughtry’s singing.

Gotta run, but thought I’d leave you guys with some interesting stuff.

Pink’s new video was premiered over in Europe, and luckily someone capped it. I’m thorougly disappointed American radio has shunned Who Knew (one of the best pop songs in recent memory), especially considering talentless hacks like Rihanna and Ciara can shell out number ones like Britney Spears pops out babies, but hopefully they’ll be kinder to Pink’s new song U + Ur Hand.

***

I really wish people would stop making comparisons between American Idol and the Presidential election. Ryan Seacrest–stop constantly spouting how many tens of millions of votes came in for Idol–it says nothing as to how many people voted–just as to how many crazed teenage girls called in hundreds of times and voted.

But with that said–apparently Mr. President has invited the Idol finalists to the White House. Interestingly enough, though, winner Taylor Hicks does have a White House connection. Susan Whitson, Laura Bush’s press secretary taught Hicks in 9th grade.

***

The pitiful bastard of network television, NBC, has picked up minor hits Last Comic Standing and America’s Got Talent for additional seasons. Kevin Reilly, NBC Entertainment President says:

“Both of these series have been bright spots on the summer television landscape, we think they’ll be around for a long time.”

In other NBC news, for those of you who have either heard of or actually checked out that rejected pilot that’s been getting mucho hits on YouTube “Nobodys Watching”, it has been picked up by the network, and they’re hoping those thousands of YouTube viewers will tune into the hilarious comedy. We’ll see how it turns out.

***

One more thing. OMG OMG OMG. They’re making another Ninja Turtles movie, and it comes out next year. Mommmyyy. Can’t wait. Better be as good as the other ones.

Here’s the trailer:

Top morning talk show “Live with Regis and Kelly” will celebrate the Fourth of July in true All-American style — actually, all “American Idol” style.

On July 4, hosts Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa will take a look back at the outstanding “Live with Regis and Kelly” performances of “American Idol’s” top singers, including Kevin Covais, Mandisa, Kellie Pickler, Paris Bennett, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, finalist Katharine McPhee and of course “American Idol” winner Taylor Hicks.

Source:USA Today

For a glorified karaoke album, this isn’t bad. Thanks at least in part to the curative effects of studio technology, nearly all 12 Idol finalists sound competent on these full-length versions of songs they performed in the finals or preliminaries. A few are pretty impressive: Paris Bennett on Gladys Knight’s Midnight Train to Georgia, Mandisa on an accomplished carbon copy of Chaka Khan’s I’m Every Woman, Chris Daughtry on Jon Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive. Interestingly, the least appealing performance (aside from When I Fall in Love by the hapless, hopelessly outclassed Kevin Covais) comes from newly crowned Idol Taylor Hicks, whose drab Michael McDonald impression on Takin’ It to the Streets rates far below his best TV moments. Best by a long shot: runner-up Katharine McPhee, whose version of Aretha Franklin’s Think avoids slavish imitation and shows off grit, style and verve that former Idol champs Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Fantasia would be hard-pressed to match.

— Ken Barnes

I said from the beginning that this Idol season was a little weird. What made it great was that there were so many talented people. Not just people that were okay–but so many people that were great–which is rare. Normally we have a few good people (Kelly Clarkson, Tamyra Gray), and then everyone else is just average (Jim Verraros, Ryan Starr–everyone ever). We came into the top 12 with so much promising talent: the sultry Ace Young, the power belter Mandisa, the jazzy Paris Bennett, the adorable country girl with a rock tinge Kellie Pickler, alterna-rocker Chris Daughtry, the harmonica toting jazzer Taylor Hicks the pop-soul yet sophisticated vocalist Katharine McPhee, underdog funky white boy Elliott Yamin, and then a few that just need to die.

The problem, though–is that although there were so many people that were very talented–there weren’t that many stand out performers or performances for that matter. Were there fantastic performances? Yes. But there was no “All By Myself”, there was no “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, no “Summertime”, no “Alone.” This is precisely why Tuesday night’s finale was the worst in Idol history. Well–that and the fact that some of the best performers wre voted off too early.

The ideal finale would have been Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee like most people predicted–or if not–interchange one of those two with Elliott Yamin. But this finale–it just lacked spark. It didn’t live up to the event that it is. Part of that had to do with song choices (”Levon”? Honestly), and part of that was the orrid singles for the two of them. Katharine’s ridiculously generic and might I add too low for her voice “My Destiny” was dreadful. It gave her nothing to work with. Way to sabotage Kat in the same way you did poor Bo Bice with that disgusting piece of music you guys called a song you had him sing at last year’s finale.

Katharine’s first performance was good. But good is not what you need in order to win American Idol, especially when you’re coming in as the underdog. Taylor was clearly the favorite. She should have picked “Come Rain or Come Shine” or the Aretha Franklin classic “Until You Come Back To Me”. Mistake number one.

Then she sang “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”. Was is a great performance? Yes. Was it magical? Yes, unlike Taylor’s mediocre “Levon”. But guess what? You performed it last week. We all remember it. Thanks. You should’ve done the song that helped you get into the top 12, the Streisand hit “Since I Fell For You”, or what got you into the competition at the beginning “God Bless The Child”. Mistake number two.

I would say mistake number three was picking “My Destiny” (possibly one of the worst songs ever written), but to quote Kat’s response to her “I Believe I Can Fly” comments, she “didn’t pick it!”

Oh well Kat. Be glad you had some hot outfits and cute shoes.

So basically…Katharine McPhee barely contributed to a showstopping finale, which means we nearly wasted approximately 15 minutes of precious television time, when I could’ve tuned into the CMA Awards and seen Carrie Underwood perform “Jesus Take The Wheel”. You could’ve at least shown us some panty.

Overall grade for the night: B

Download mp3 of ‘My Destiny’ here.

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Need I add, that you shouldn’t be in the finale, and that you wouldn’t be had America voted right two weeks ago, eliminating you instead of shoo-in Chris Daughtry? Is he talented? Yes. But the only time he can give a 1st rate performance that has me dropping to my knees in applause and worship is when he jerks and seizures on stage, shouting “Hey!” and “Yeah!”, then doing that weird thing he calls belting where he growls like a pre-pubescent Mufasa. And even then I’m just clapping. No knee-dropping like when Carrie Underwood sang the hell out of her last song in Season 4.

I’ll admit, “Livin’ For The City” was a much better choice than Kat’s room temperature “Black Horse And The Cherry Tree”. You could tell he really energized the room–if not by the performance itself than by Paula Abdul’s drunken turbo-bobbing with her hands waving from side to side. Someone’s not biased. Not even a little. Round 1 rightfully goes to the Silver Fox.

But seriously–”Levon”? Give me a break, dude. Off-pitch here, bum note there–eh–looks like round two’s going to Kat McPhee sweetheart.

Now this is where Kat got completely screwed. There’s no doubt that just in terms of range, intonation, vibrato–the technical aspects of singing–Katharine has the edge. Which would lead you to think that when it comes to the usually generic debut singles the idols are given, she’d have the advantage. But think again. Though her performance of “My Destiny” was commendable, the song itself, and the arrangement of it were too far gone for her to be able to salvage anything. Taylor’s song however, “Do I Make You Proud”, was not only a better song, but he sang it better than Kat sang hers, and seemed to do it with much more conviction.

And of course, to cap off the night, Simon seals the deal by saying that Taylor has won American Idol. Which–who knows if it even made a difference–Taylor was already the fave. But it would be interesting to see if maybe the votes would at least be closer had he not given a particular idol his stamp of approval. After all, poor Clay Aiken didn’t get that, and that could’ve kept him from his rightful win over Ruben–who?

Overall grade for the night: B+

Download mp3 of ‘Do I Make You Proud’ here.

Judging from the Dial Idol results, which has Taylor with 47.8 percent of the vote and Katharine 38.9 percent, Simon’s right. Not that we needed those results to state the obvious.

The question is, does it matter? I asked Maxie Pulliam, a young college student from California, who she wanted to win, and her response was “Ehh, honestly, no one’s gonna buy Taylor’s CD”. Is she right? Obviously Taylor has lots of fans–otherwise he wouldn’t have made it this far. But wait–so did Ruben Studdard. And where is he?

Given the fact that Idol is a tad more popular than it was 3 years ago, and the fact that Taylor doesn’t buy his clothes in size “trash bag”, it’s likely he’ll fare at least slightly better than idol alumus Studdard. But I suppose it depends on what Taylor’s definition of success is. Will he ever be a Kelly Clarkson? Hell no. He’ll never have that kind of mainstream success–the type of music that he would do (that is–if he stays true to himself) just wouldn’t be played enough to be number one at Top 40 radio. But that’s okay if that’s not what Taylor wants for his career.

Maybe Ruben is content with merely selling 500,000 copies of a good gospel album that he loves as opposed to selling 3 million copies of some oversung generic melisma-d out Christmas album (cough, Clay Aiken, cough).

At the end of the day, neither of these two (Kat and Taylor) will be lining up for food stamps anytime soon. But my prediction is, they’ll both have success. Katharine’s will be on a bigger scale because her style and image are more mainstream, but they’ll both be successful in the different ways that they are meant to be.

Taylor, just hope your album is better than that horrid “The Real Thing” (sorry Bo).

American Idol, please find some better contestants next year. And try to make sure those ones actually make it to the finale. In other finales, where my favorite didn’t necessarily win, I was at least entertained. Tuesday night was a pathetic snorefest. Looks like someone’s gonna lose to “Amazing Race” yet again. Sorry, Paula. You don’t need anymore shiny shit anyway.

Best Vocal Performance: Katharine McPhee (”Rainbow”)

Most Original Performance: Taylor Hicks (”Proud”)

Best Overall Performance: Tie

Winner of American Idol 5: Taylor Hicks.

I had a few thoughts while watching Wednesday’s Results Show: Chris’ brother is hideous–I guess all the good-looking genes swam to Chris’ side of the pool. Kellie, zombies don’t say “boo”. Sorry, wrong bump in the night. But also, I was extremely shocked with the bottom 3.

Two people most definitely deserved to be there: Bucky and Ace. Ace, because he was absolutely horrid Tuesday, and because he completely chose the wrong song just in general, and for his voice. Bucky, because overall he just does not measure up to the rest of the contestants vocally and a a performer. Half the time when I’m watching him perform I feel like I’m watching my ‘Brokeback Mountain‘ DVD. Mumbling through your words didn’t work for Heath Ledger either, hon’.

But Elliott–that was utterly ridiculous. Elliott’s “Somebody To Love” was arguably the best and most spirited vocal performance of the night, and considering some of the other marginal performances on Queen night, like Katharine’s shout-fest “Who Wants To Live Forever“, or Kellie’s Night of the Living Dead just-okay “Bohemian Rhapsody“, I don’t understand how he could have possibly gotten the 3rd lowest number of votes. Bottom line: Elliott should not have been in the bottom three, and it better not happen again, or I will personally knock on every American door and bitch-slap all of you and your children.

Despite the fact that it was an hour-long show, and there wasn’t a celebrity guest to perform this week, it was a really exciting results show. We got to learn more about the contestants and their families, and it was nice to see the bottom three perform again–as awkward as it was when Elliott stood there not knowing what he was supposed to sing.

I already knew Ace would be in the bottom three yet again, but I was still just as scared when Ryan announced it. My thoughts: “Oh Jesus, this means we have to hear Ace sing “We Will Rock You” again? I’d rather him be safe than have to endure this again. Time to go slice off my index fingers so I can sew sew them into my ear drums.

Another thought: Can someone just smash a bottle on Paula’s head and get it over with? Her drunken dancing and swaying back and forth makes me wanna go on a mass murder spree.

I love hearing about Kellie’s family–as her personal story is what made me love her in the beginning anyway. But how exactly can one be “tickled to death”? Please help explain that to me.

Slightly surprised that Bucky is in the bottom three, as I always want him in the bottom 3 but it rarely happens. Once again I am reminded that this means he must sing yet again.

Oh god, here we go with the tossing the mic from hand to hand. I guess he confuses that with inspired performing.

Ryan announces that Bucky is leaving, and I could not have been more thrilled. My hopes and dreams for the past 4 weeks have come to fruition.

Yes! Finally Bucky Covington is out of my life!

Can’t wait for the love songs next Tuesday.

Ace better do a strip-show if he wants to stay another week.

Is ousted “American Idol” contestant Mandisa anti-gay? The 29-year-old soul singer and outspoken Christian, who was voted off the hit Fox show Wednesday, says she would not perform at an event held in support of the gay community.

Mandisa, a native of Antioch, Tenn., tells Advocate magazine, “Based on what I believe, I’m not an advocate for (being gay), so it’s nothing I would take part in.”

Still, she says in an interview in the magazine’s Web site, she’s “really upset” by speculation she endorses the ex-gay movement a collection of Christian groups that seek to alter sexual orientation. The speculation stemmed from comments she made on the “American Idol” Web site praising author and speaker Beth Moore, of Living Proof Ministries. Moore’s Web site has links to groups such as Exodus International that discourage homosexuality.

“It broke my heart,” Mandisa says. “I live my life by the value system that you treat others the way you want to be treated. I let love be my guide. I absolutely hate no one.”

Long a favorite of “Idol” judges, she says her views “could have contributed” to her surprising elimination. “Idol” contestants are trimmed weekly based on fan voting.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” she says. “I’ve heard a lot of different theories about what could have happened, and all of ‘em sound pretty decent to me.”

So it’s 21st Century week on American Idol, and the show’s an hour shorter. It’ll be harder for me to be as witty as in previous weeks because I have less time to write in between performances, but hopefully my review will be entertaining nonetheless.

Lisa Tucker. Why in hell are you ruining Kelly Clarkson’s beautiful song “Because of You”. This is the reason Kelly did not want her songs sung on this show. It was a laughable rendition, and this performance was as Simon said, painful. She didn’t emotionally connect with a very emotional song, the arrangement didn’t do Lisa or the song justice, and as much as Lisa (as well as Paula apparently) thinks she can sing her ass off, the truth is, she can’t. She seems to think that her voice is a “Whitney” or “Mariah” when really it’s just a “Mya” or “Jasmine Trias”. You’re not a power-belter so stop acting like one.

You don’t want this mp3. Trust me. But I guess I’ll give it to you anyway. Download it here. (Left click on this one)

Grade: D

Kellie Pickler is obviously a little sick this week–you can tell by her interview clip (which by the way seemed a little scripted). She’s singing Sara Evans’ “Suds In The Bucket”. The song and the performance both are equally boring, and the singing was not great either (minus a nice little run at the end). But I think Simon said it all. There are so many songs to pick, yet you pick a song talking about suds in a freaking bucket? C’mon Kellie. This was an opportunity to show your personality, to show your range, and to show what kind of record you’d make, and you failed. You definitely won’t be exiting this week, but you will be soon if you keep giving performances like that.

Download mp3 here.

Grade: C

Ace Young. Okay, they must’ve prepared things for all of the idols to say about their songs, Ace’s seemed scripted too. “Drops of Jupiter”? What the hell? Good song, but not for you. We all know Ace doesn’t have the best vocal chops, but he always has seemed to pick very good songs for his vocal style (Father Figure, Butterflies). I don’t understand why he would try to do something completely out of his abilities and sing a Train song. Bad choice. Everyone’s making horrible choices tonight. Maybe the 21st Century theme wasn’t such a great idea. The showing of the scar was really cheesy and unnecessary, and the little hand out to the camera at the end of every performance is losing its charm (why was his arm shaking like crazy?).

Download mp3 here.

Grade: C-

Taylor Hicks looks so hip tonight. He actually looks a little sexy. He’s singing Ray LaMontagne’s “Trouble”. I love Ray LaMontagne. Kelly Clarkson sang his “Shelter” on the Katrina telethon. Very good performance. I actually agree with Paula for once in that it’s really nice to see Taylor just stand behind the mic and sng the song. He showed his vocal range (more than he’s ever shown) and really did the song some justice. As far Simon’s criticism that he looks very Clay Aiken…what the hell? Why would Clay Aiken be wearing tight faded denim and a leather jacket? I love Ryan’s comment “If this is very Clay Aiken, then that (points to Simon) is very Kelly Clarkson.”

Download mp3 here.

Grade: B+

Mandisa. Taking a neo-gospel-pop turn this week, she’s singing Mary Mary’s “Wanna Praise You (Shackles)”. Really bad choice. After last week’s stunning Idol opener “I Don’t Hurt Anymore” Mandisa’s definitely taken a few steps down with this performance. First of all, I need to be able to tune into family-friendly television and not see a 300 pound woman’s panty lines. Second, she really oversang the song, and it just wasn’t a song that anyone is going to care about. But..question. Did anyone see the weird thing with the numbers during Mandisa’s perforamance? When the normally blue number bar popped up at the bottom of the screen it was video of the band instead where the blue should be. Then when it got back to blue, it said Taylor Hicks instead of Mandisa. I hope we don’t have to do a revote like last year.

Download mp3 here.

Grade: C+

Chris Daughtry. He chose a song that I’ve actually never heard before called “What If” by Creed. This is the first time I really have negative feedback on Chris. There are so many good alterna-rock songs (like “Hemmhorage”, still his best performance to date) that he could have picked. But he picks this song by Creed that I guarantee half of America won’t understand. And I actually agree with Simon that this week marks him going a bit too far. There comes a point when you have to wake up and realize that you are on American Idol, and though it is great to see an edge and uniqueness in a performer, your performance needs to be accessible to the mainstream public in order for you to be successful. I have no doubt that Chris will sail through to next week, but I’m just very disappointed in his song choice this week, as with everyone else’s so far. It’s okay, you’re still sexy.

Download mp3 here.

Grade: B-

Katharine McPhee is singing Christina Aguilera’s “The Voice Within”. Very ambitious choice–Christina sang the hell out of that song. Oh, Katharine, honey. The arrangement is a disaster. It didn’t allow the song to begin, build, climax, or end. It’s always a bad idea to sing a Christina Aguilera song, because the reality is, not many singers can sing like Christina. Maybe Kelly Clarkson, but she’s one in a million. I love Katharine McPhee, but she’s no Christina Aguilera. And though I disagree with the judges–I think she did make changes to her performace that made it different from Christina’s–it wasn’t very good. However, in the context of tonight’s performance, it was sadly one of the best.

Download mp3 here.

Grade: B-

Bucky Covington. At least he actually looks like himself this week. Not that that means much. He’s singing Tim McGraw’s “Real Good Man”. As much as it kills me to say it, I think this is actually his personal best performance so far. It wasn’t great by any means, but it didn’t make me want to stab out my ear drums with a rusty nail like he usually does. I don’t know…is that a compliment? I’m very upset now, because I think that performance might somehow save him from going home tomorrow night, which means he might not even be in the bottom 3.

Download mp3 here.

Grade: C-

Paris Bennett looks great tonight. I’m liking the hair extensions. Oh shit. She’s singing Beyonce’s “Work It Out” from the Austin Powers: Goldmember soundtrack. Wow. And Paris did just that. She totally worked it out. I think it was a great choice for her, it was young, it was hip, it was fun, and girl I didn’t know you had those kinda dance moves!

Download mp3 here.

Grade: A

Elliott Yamin chose Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Want To Be”, which at first, seemed like a really stupid choice. Elliott’s known for his silky smooth soulful vocals, and a high-energy rock song doesn’t seem like the best choice. But when I think of Gavin DeGraw’s voice, he’s actually pretty soulful himself, and Elliott’s arrangement of the song, despite the judges’ comments, was great and worked for him. Okay…I’m really embarassed to say this, but am I the only one that thinks he gets hotter every week?

Download mp3 here.

Grade: A

This had to have been…one of the worst episodes of American Idol ever. Everyone will try to say it was the theme, but truly, it was the contestants’ song selection. So many of them were so damn stupid.

Best Overall Performance: Paris Bennett

Best Vocal: Taylor Hicks

Most Original: Elliott Yamin

Going Home: Lisa Tucker

50’s week. I’m excited and scared all at the same time. Ack. Chris Daughtry and Kellie Pickler singing 50’s tunes? Love them both, but how far can versatility go?

Wow, all of the idols look great tonight. Well…with the exception of Kevin and Bucky. But I’ll get to that later.

Yes! Mandisa’s up first.

Mandisa looks so incredibly beautiful tonight. A much needed improv- ement on last week’s T.J. Maxx get-up that made her look like a rotten pear. She’s singing Dinah Washington’s “I Don’t Hurt Anymore” and it’s fantastic. She’s found a way to make an entire song not only sound great (instead of just the belting) but sound like her own (which is pretty difficult to do on a Dinah Washington song). Everything about Mandisa’s great tonight. Beautiful look, beautiful rendition, just wonderful. Looks like Mandisa could be pulling out some frontrunner fairy dust soon.

Grade: A

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Bucky Covington got rid of the Jessica Simpson do, but now it just looks like the Farrah Fawcett do all greased up and on ecstasy. And isn’t he supposed to be the down to earth good ole Southern boy from North Carolina? Why then, is he dressed like Ludacris on his way to rob the 5th Avenue H&M? He’s singing “Oh Boy”, and the title pretty much says it all. It was second-rate drunken karaoke. Was he on pitch? Yes. Was he on key? Yes. Did he hit the notes? Yes. But so do I when I sing “Beautiful Girls” from “Singin’ In The Rain” in my shower. Does that mean it’s good? Hell no. And going directly after Mandisa’s fantastic performance just makes it that much clearer. What was America thinking when they voted Elizabeth Berkley’s mentally challenged distant relative into the top 12? I’m still lost as to what talent this man possesses, and hopefully America is too. If he is not voted out tonight, I really might just cut off my own penis and eat it.

Grade: D

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Paris Bennett. I’m not sure how I feel about Paris’ look tonight, I know it’s supposed to be a throwback to the 50’s, but I’ve never really liked that I-just-ran-a-menorah-through-my-hair look. I literally shrieked in joy when I saw the word “Fever” pop up below Paris’ face on the screen as I, along with many other Paris fans have been hoping and praying she’d sing this song at some point in the show for quite a while. I agree with Randy that at the beginning I was a little unsure if she’d pull it off, but boy did she. She picked it up in the middle and sailed through to the end, delivering a beautiful, blues-y performance that we all knew she could do. This girl’s going nowhere.

Grade: A-

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Chris Daughtry, I’m gonna need you to take off your clothes. That’s what I immediately thought when he came on the screen. Dear Jesus, he seems to get sexier and sexier every week. That shiny bald head, those sexy sideburns, those beautiful lips, that hot ass–oh right…the singing. Ahem. I was thoroughly impressed with his arrangement of the song. It was almost as if it wasn’t a Johnny Cash song at all. He completely made it his own and did it successfully. Again though, this performance wasn’t showstopping, and didn’t show all of his range (I know he’s got it). I think he’s going to lose his frontrunner status soon if we don’t start seeing some vocal gymnastics, sweetheart. Originality’s (and that booty) gotten you this far, you’ve gotta step it up if you wanna keep up with Mandisa, Paris, Katharine, and Elliott.

Grade: B+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Katharine McPhee looks so incredibly stunning tonight. Just as good as last week. I just wish there weren’t those little floppy flaps under the armpit of the dress. And that her last name was not tragically “McPhee”–as in the Nanny. This woman surely knows how to work the stage and the camera. I can’t say enough about her performance skills–she SELLS the song like no other female singer in the competition. And vocally tonight, she was amazing, yet again. Her rendition of “Come Rain or Come Shine” was truly incredible. I still like last week’s “Until You Come Back To Me” better, but it was great nonetheless. Which brings me to the problem with Katharine. As Randy said, she’s been so good in the past few weeks, that this wasn’t her best performance. Katharine’s been so consistent, that it’s almost difficult for her to out-do herself. She is in essence, her own worst enemy. Let’s hope she keeps finding ways to re-invent her performances and she stays around for many, many weeks.

Grade: A

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Taylor Hicks needs to be told 1.) Don’t dye your hair. You’ve been successful in the competition as you are, and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. 2.)I’m liking the silver suit to match the hair. You actually look very George Clooney-esque tonight. And 3.) This constant jerking around like characters from “The Hills Have Eyes” can only propel your performance but so far. You need the vocals to back it up. And you have them–you just need to showcase them. In his rendition of “Not Fade Away, he didn’t listen to Barry about holding that note out at the end, and the rest of the performance was almost all dance and no singing. Even Ayla Brown’s inspired 5 note rendition of “Unwritten” was more impressive, and she didn’t do any onstage seizuring–she just sang it really really well. With all of that said, Taylor still brings an excitement, unpredictability, and variety to the competition that we haven’t quite seen before. Don’t worry, he’ll be here next week. Hopefully then, he actually sings the song.

Grade: C+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Lisa Tucker just plainly needs to go home. People keep throwing around these words to describe her: “power- house”, “star”, Simon even said “best 16 year old we’ve ever had in the competition”. Uhm…excuse me? This girl is in NO way better than Diana DeGarmo or really many other contestants for that matter. What exactly about her vocals are powerhouse? She has limited range, has no color to her voice, and does this really ugly Scott Savol lazy vibrato that drives me crazy but would be great for Broadway. Go back to playing Nala in The Lion King, hon’. It suits you better. ‘Cause there’s no way your stage-school ass is winning American Idol. Her rendition of “Why Do Fools Fall In Love” was, I admit, one of her best performances–if not her best. She finally showed some vocal ability and went for the big notes. But it just…sounded so ugly. She has to be one of the most overrated contestants in idol history. Seriously. A few weeks ago Paula actually said “I don’t know how you’ve been undiscovered for this long”. Wait…WHAT? What did I just hear? Oh, that’s right. The sound of Paula’s two-note ranged “Straight Up” hitting number one in 1988, and the resounding fall of her career once everyone realized she couldn’t sing any better than the humming bag lady down on 48th and Lexington.

Grade: C

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Kevin Covais. It’s 50s week, so I guess technically a polo shirt works. But why is it everyone else is all razzle-dazzled out to perform on the biggest show in America, and you’re dressed like an eighth grader on the way to his dad’s company picnic? Especially when you’re singing (one of my all-time favorites) “When I Fall In Love”. I knew Kevin would do an okay job with this song, he does have a nice voice, and can certainly do vulnerable (it’s hard not to when you look 12), but at this stage in the competition, nice just won’t cut it anymore. Certain contestants in past seasons got away with it for a while (see Anthony Federov, Carmen Rasmussen, Ryan Starr), but that’s because no season has ever had the number of talented top 12 contestants that this season has. He just doesn’t have the vocal ability or the star quality to compete with the likes of power belters, divas, sexy alterna-rockers, and velvety soul. The tour will be fun, though, Kevin.

Grade: C+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Elliott Yamin. Sigh. Can you just come live with me in my Midtown-Manhattan apartment and sing for me all day? I could pay you, seriously. He’s even looking hotter this week. Wait…ew, I felt a little icky calling Elliott hot. He does look a lot better with facial hair (takes attention away from those tragic chompers), but he still looks like an elongated Rumplestiltskin. All of that aside, his version of “Teach Me Tonight” was dessert for my ears. Vanilla Betty Crocker cake with cream cheese frosting and rainbow sprinkles. I don’t know what other way to describe it. His voice makes any songwriter seem more brilliant than they really are, and I don’t care if he wins or loses, if he picks up a record deal, I will scrounge up every penny I have (which I literally did do when I bought Desperate Housewives on DVD which was really funny–I was holding a huge ziploc bag of 40 dollars worth of nickels and dimes–but that’s another story) to go buy it wherever I can find it. Please, please vote for Elliott, people.

Grade: A

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Kellie Pickler is back! I was so worried about her this week. Last week’s snooze-fest also known as “Blame It On The Sun” really set Kellie back a bit, and fueled buzz about her talent not living up to her dynamic charming personality. I knew that if she didn’t deliver this week that there was a chance she could be gone. And of course, upon hearing that the theme was the 50’s, I was terrified. I imagined Kellie Pickler singing Bette Midler’s “Stuff Like That There” (see Kelly Clarkson), and my eyes bulged out of my head in fright. But when I heard Kellie say that she was singing Patsy Cline, I was thankfully relieved. She sang “Walkin’ After Midnight”, and once again her innocently sexy attitude and her luke-warm but still powerful and edgy country-rock vocals pulled out a great performance and I was thoroughly proud. It seems as if Kellie has racked up quite a large anti-fanbase along the way, which alarms me but doesn’t. I’m remembering these same reactions to Carrie Underwood last year, and she turned out just fine. Now Kellie is in no way as talented a vocalist as Carrie Underwood, true, but Carrie’s personality can’t hold a candle to Kellie’s sweetness and charm.

Grade: B+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Ace Young closed out the 2 hour episode with “In The Still of the Night”, and I have to say, I was concerned. As soon as I heard the song choice, I muttered “Oh, honey.” First of all, group songs are just a no-no, and second, it’s just not that great of a song to sing in general, especially for someone like Ace, who doesn’t have the most versatile voice and needs to pick songs that work well for his style of singing. But I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. After Ace’s popsicle melting “Father Figure” and orgasm inducing “Butterflies”, I pegged him as someone with a pretty voice, but really knows how to make the performance work as a whole to cover up for the lack of vocal ability. But pretty-faced Ace showed off some belting in this performance and of course utilized that cotton-soft falsetto at the end that makes me melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Still not as good as previous performances, but again, that more has to do with song choice. I don’t think there’s much chance of Ace re-claiming his frontrunner status, but he’ll definitely be around for a little longer.

Grade: B-

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Best Overall Performance: Paris Bennett and Katharine McPhee

Best Vocal: Mandisa

Most Original: Chris Daughtry

Going Home: Bucky Covington (was wrong about this last week–hopefully I’m not this time)