Gotta run, but thought I’d leave you guys with some interesting stuff.

Pink’s new video was premiered over in Europe, and luckily someone capped it. I’m thorougly disappointed American radio has shunned Who Knew (one of the best pop songs in recent memory), especially considering talentless hacks like Rihanna and Ciara can shell out number ones like Britney Spears pops out babies, but hopefully they’ll be kinder to Pink’s new song U + Ur Hand.

***

I really wish people would stop making comparisons between American Idol and the Presidential election. Ryan Seacrest–stop constantly spouting how many tens of millions of votes came in for Idol–it says nothing as to how many people voted–just as to how many crazed teenage girls called in hundreds of times and voted.

But with that said–apparently Mr. President has invited the Idol finalists to the White House. Interestingly enough, though, winner Taylor Hicks does have a White House connection. Susan Whitson, Laura Bush’s press secretary taught Hicks in 9th grade.

***

The pitiful bastard of network television, NBC, has picked up minor hits Last Comic Standing and America’s Got Talent for additional seasons. Kevin Reilly, NBC Entertainment President says:

“Both of these series have been bright spots on the summer television landscape, we think they’ll be around for a long time.”

In other NBC news, for those of you who have either heard of or actually checked out that rejected pilot that’s been getting mucho hits on YouTube “Nobodys Watching”, it has been picked up by the network, and they’re hoping those thousands of YouTube viewers will tune into the hilarious comedy. We’ll see how it turns out.

***

One more thing. OMG OMG OMG. They’re making another Ninja Turtles movie, and it comes out next year. Mommmyyy. Can’t wait. Better be as good as the other ones.

Here’s the trailer:

Top morning talk show “Live with Regis and Kelly” will celebrate the Fourth of July in true All-American style — actually, all “American Idol” style.

On July 4, hosts Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa will take a look back at the outstanding “Live with Regis and Kelly” performances of “American Idol’s” top singers, including Kevin Covais, Mandisa, Kellie Pickler, Paris Bennett, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, finalist Katharine McPhee and of course “American Idol” winner Taylor Hicks.

Source:USA Today

For a glorified karaoke album, this isn’t bad. Thanks at least in part to the curative effects of studio technology, nearly all 12 Idol finalists sound competent on these full-length versions of songs they performed in the finals or preliminaries. A few are pretty impressive: Paris Bennett on Gladys Knight’s Midnight Train to Georgia, Mandisa on an accomplished carbon copy of Chaka Khan’s I’m Every Woman, Chris Daughtry on Jon Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive. Interestingly, the least appealing performance (aside from When I Fall in Love by the hapless, hopelessly outclassed Kevin Covais) comes from newly crowned Idol Taylor Hicks, whose drab Michael McDonald impression on Takin’ It to the Streets rates far below his best TV moments. Best by a long shot: runner-up Katharine McPhee, whose version of Aretha Franklin’s Think avoids slavish imitation and shows off grit, style and verve that former Idol champs Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Fantasia would be hard-pressed to match.

— Ken Barnes

I had a few thoughts while watching Wednesday’s Results Show: Chris’ brother is hideous–I guess all the good-looking genes swam to Chris’ side of the pool. Kellie, zombies don’t say “boo”. Sorry, wrong bump in the night. But also, I was extremely shocked with the bottom 3.

Two people most definitely deserved to be there: Bucky and Ace. Ace, because he was absolutely horrid Tuesday, and because he completely chose the wrong song just in general, and for his voice. Bucky, because overall he just does not measure up to the rest of the contestants vocally and a a performer. Half the time when I’m watching him perform I feel like I’m watching my ‘Brokeback Mountain‘ DVD. Mumbling through your words didn’t work for Heath Ledger either, hon’.

But Elliott–that was utterly ridiculous. Elliott’s “Somebody To Love” was arguably the best and most spirited vocal performance of the night, and considering some of the other marginal performances on Queen night, like Katharine’s shout-fest “Who Wants To Live Forever“, or Kellie’s Night of the Living Dead just-okay “Bohemian Rhapsody“, I don’t understand how he could have possibly gotten the 3rd lowest number of votes. Bottom line: Elliott should not have been in the bottom three, and it better not happen again, or I will personally knock on every American door and bitch-slap all of you and your children.

Despite the fact that it was an hour-long show, and there wasn’t a celebrity guest to perform this week, it was a really exciting results show. We got to learn more about the contestants and their families, and it was nice to see the bottom three perform again–as awkward as it was when Elliott stood there not knowing what he was supposed to sing.

I already knew Ace would be in the bottom three yet again, but I was still just as scared when Ryan announced it. My thoughts: “Oh Jesus, this means we have to hear Ace sing “We Will Rock You” again? I’d rather him be safe than have to endure this again. Time to go slice off my index fingers so I can sew sew them into my ear drums.

Another thought: Can someone just smash a bottle on Paula’s head and get it over with? Her drunken dancing and swaying back and forth makes me wanna go on a mass murder spree.

I love hearing about Kellie’s family–as her personal story is what made me love her in the beginning anyway. But how exactly can one be “tickled to death”? Please help explain that to me.

Slightly surprised that Bucky is in the bottom three, as I always want him in the bottom 3 but it rarely happens. Once again I am reminded that this means he must sing yet again.

Oh god, here we go with the tossing the mic from hand to hand. I guess he confuses that with inspired performing.

Ryan announces that Bucky is leaving, and I could not have been more thrilled. My hopes and dreams for the past 4 weeks have come to fruition.

Yes! Finally Bucky Covington is out of my life!

Can’t wait for the love songs next Tuesday.

Ace better do a strip-show if he wants to stay another week.

So last night, Kevin Covais, known to some as “Chicken Little,” or to me as “fetus with a speech impediment,” was eliminated from American Idol.

I’ll admit, it was a bit of a shocker, as I expected Bucky Covington to leave just as I did last week. But for some reason, America decided to keep trailer park version of Garth Brooks on coke around for yet another week. And seeing as how next week’s rumored theme is the 21st century, I am thoroughly afraid of Bucky butchering Robbie Williams’ “Angels” or Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba” while I violently vomit on my dinner plate.

I absolutely loved the way they revealed the bottom three (which by the way was exactly what I wanted and predicted). They really got right to it, and I think those three were even sitting next to or near each other. I always wonder about the politics that goes into where people sit on the couch on elimination shows, as the drama of who would be a shocker or not depends on who they start with and who they end with.

But all that aside, up until the very, very end, I’ve never been more happy about an Idol elimination show ever. It was the perfect bottom three: everyone but those three sang their asses off Tuesday night (well, except maybe Ace, who was good but not fantastic), and those three really showed how much of a joke their talent really is in comparison to their stellar competitors.

Okay, the three of them walk over to the middle of the massive Idol stage, and Ryan stands to the right holding that mysterious card that contains the fate of one our earnest Idol contestants: “it’s the end of the road.”

Ryan sends Lisa Tucker back to the couch after obligatorily psych-ing her out. We’re left with Kevin and Bucky. Yes! These are my two least favorite, and obviously, Bucky’s going home. I don’t get what his appeal is, he hasn’t shown any range, he performs like he’s in a cheap backwoods bar in the Poconos, and he looks like a skinny and shaven Chewbacca. Kevin, though not the greatest singer, has a nice voice and at least is slightly adorable. And Kevin’s performance Tuesday night, though not great, was at least earnest and sincere. I didn’t hate it.

It’s officially 9:28 and Ryan announces that the person going home is … KEVIN COVAIS. What the hell? I was immediately flooded with IMs and phone calls from people with reactions that varied from outraged to shocked to angry. Everyone from critics and pundits to common bloggers to message board fanatics to my grandmother expected Bucky to pack his bags this week -without a doubt. And though Kevin Covais would only have lasted one more week — maybe two — it was still quite a surprise that Bucky edged him out this week.

I was a little mad for a minute, then I remembered that I didn’t like Kevin anyway, and that both Bucky and Lisa would be gone in the coming weeks anyway. This season the talent’s just too undeniable.

Once again, the eliminated contestant was not given a chance to perform (well, he was, it just wasn’t aired), which you can probably accredit to the gratuitous performance by Barry Manilow early in the show.

When all is said and done, the best undiscovered talent in America did not go home last night, and truly, that is what’s important. But I will be tuning in next Tuesday night to see if next week’s show can live up to this week’s top-rated performance show, which was in my opinion, one of the best in Idol history. In the words of Edward R. Murrow, “Good night, and good luck.”

50’s week. I’m excited and scared all at the same time. Ack. Chris Daughtry and Kellie Pickler singing 50’s tunes? Love them both, but how far can versatility go?

Wow, all of the idols look great tonight. Well…with the exception of Kevin and Bucky. But I’ll get to that later.

Yes! Mandisa’s up first.

Mandisa looks so incredibly beautiful tonight. A much needed improv- ement on last week’s T.J. Maxx get-up that made her look like a rotten pear. She’s singing Dinah Washington’s “I Don’t Hurt Anymore” and it’s fantastic. She’s found a way to make an entire song not only sound great (instead of just the belting) but sound like her own (which is pretty difficult to do on a Dinah Washington song). Everything about Mandisa’s great tonight. Beautiful look, beautiful rendition, just wonderful. Looks like Mandisa could be pulling out some frontrunner fairy dust soon.

Grade: A

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Bucky Covington got rid of the Jessica Simpson do, but now it just looks like the Farrah Fawcett do all greased up and on ecstasy. And isn’t he supposed to be the down to earth good ole Southern boy from North Carolina? Why then, is he dressed like Ludacris on his way to rob the 5th Avenue H&M? He’s singing “Oh Boy”, and the title pretty much says it all. It was second-rate drunken karaoke. Was he on pitch? Yes. Was he on key? Yes. Did he hit the notes? Yes. But so do I when I sing “Beautiful Girls” from “Singin’ In The Rain” in my shower. Does that mean it’s good? Hell no. And going directly after Mandisa’s fantastic performance just makes it that much clearer. What was America thinking when they voted Elizabeth Berkley’s mentally challenged distant relative into the top 12? I’m still lost as to what talent this man possesses, and hopefully America is too. If he is not voted out tonight, I really might just cut off my own penis and eat it.

Grade: D

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Paris Bennett. I’m not sure how I feel about Paris’ look tonight, I know it’s supposed to be a throwback to the 50’s, but I’ve never really liked that I-just-ran-a-menorah-through-my-hair look. I literally shrieked in joy when I saw the word “Fever” pop up below Paris’ face on the screen as I, along with many other Paris fans have been hoping and praying she’d sing this song at some point in the show for quite a while. I agree with Randy that at the beginning I was a little unsure if she’d pull it off, but boy did she. She picked it up in the middle and sailed through to the end, delivering a beautiful, blues-y performance that we all knew she could do. This girl’s going nowhere.

Grade: A-

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Chris Daughtry, I’m gonna need you to take off your clothes. That’s what I immediately thought when he came on the screen. Dear Jesus, he seems to get sexier and sexier every week. That shiny bald head, those sexy sideburns, those beautiful lips, that hot ass–oh right…the singing. Ahem. I was thoroughly impressed with his arrangement of the song. It was almost as if it wasn’t a Johnny Cash song at all. He completely made it his own and did it successfully. Again though, this performance wasn’t showstopping, and didn’t show all of his range (I know he’s got it). I think he’s going to lose his frontrunner status soon if we don’t start seeing some vocal gymnastics, sweetheart. Originality’s (and that booty) gotten you this far, you’ve gotta step it up if you wanna keep up with Mandisa, Paris, Katharine, and Elliott.

Grade: B+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Katharine McPhee looks so incredibly stunning tonight. Just as good as last week. I just wish there weren’t those little floppy flaps under the armpit of the dress. And that her last name was not tragically “McPhee”–as in the Nanny. This woman surely knows how to work the stage and the camera. I can’t say enough about her performance skills–she SELLS the song like no other female singer in the competition. And vocally tonight, she was amazing, yet again. Her rendition of “Come Rain or Come Shine” was truly incredible. I still like last week’s “Until You Come Back To Me” better, but it was great nonetheless. Which brings me to the problem with Katharine. As Randy said, she’s been so good in the past few weeks, that this wasn’t her best performance. Katharine’s been so consistent, that it’s almost difficult for her to out-do herself. She is in essence, her own worst enemy. Let’s hope she keeps finding ways to re-invent her performances and she stays around for many, many weeks.

Grade: A

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Taylor Hicks needs to be told 1.) Don’t dye your hair. You’ve been successful in the competition as you are, and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. 2.)I’m liking the silver suit to match the hair. You actually look very George Clooney-esque tonight. And 3.) This constant jerking around like characters from “The Hills Have Eyes” can only propel your performance but so far. You need the vocals to back it up. And you have them–you just need to showcase them. In his rendition of “Not Fade Away, he didn’t listen to Barry about holding that note out at the end, and the rest of the performance was almost all dance and no singing. Even Ayla Brown’s inspired 5 note rendition of “Unwritten” was more impressive, and she didn’t do any onstage seizuring–she just sang it really really well. With all of that said, Taylor still brings an excitement, unpredictability, and variety to the competition that we haven’t quite seen before. Don’t worry, he’ll be here next week. Hopefully then, he actually sings the song.

Grade: C+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Lisa Tucker just plainly needs to go home. People keep throwing around these words to describe her: “power- house”, “star”, Simon even said “best 16 year old we’ve ever had in the competition”. Uhm…excuse me? This girl is in NO way better than Diana DeGarmo or really many other contestants for that matter. What exactly about her vocals are powerhouse? She has limited range, has no color to her voice, and does this really ugly Scott Savol lazy vibrato that drives me crazy but would be great for Broadway. Go back to playing Nala in The Lion King, hon’. It suits you better. ‘Cause there’s no way your stage-school ass is winning American Idol. Her rendition of “Why Do Fools Fall In Love” was, I admit, one of her best performances–if not her best. She finally showed some vocal ability and went for the big notes. But it just…sounded so ugly. She has to be one of the most overrated contestants in idol history. Seriously. A few weeks ago Paula actually said “I don’t know how you’ve been undiscovered for this long”. Wait…WHAT? What did I just hear? Oh, that’s right. The sound of Paula’s two-note ranged “Straight Up” hitting number one in 1988, and the resounding fall of her career once everyone realized she couldn’t sing any better than the humming bag lady down on 48th and Lexington.

Grade: C

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Kevin Covais. It’s 50s week, so I guess technically a polo shirt works. But why is it everyone else is all razzle-dazzled out to perform on the biggest show in America, and you’re dressed like an eighth grader on the way to his dad’s company picnic? Especially when you’re singing (one of my all-time favorites) “When I Fall In Love”. I knew Kevin would do an okay job with this song, he does have a nice voice, and can certainly do vulnerable (it’s hard not to when you look 12), but at this stage in the competition, nice just won’t cut it anymore. Certain contestants in past seasons got away with it for a while (see Anthony Federov, Carmen Rasmussen, Ryan Starr), but that’s because no season has ever had the number of talented top 12 contestants that this season has. He just doesn’t have the vocal ability or the star quality to compete with the likes of power belters, divas, sexy alterna-rockers, and velvety soul. The tour will be fun, though, Kevin.

Grade: C+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Elliott Yamin. Sigh. Can you just come live with me in my Midtown-Manhattan apartment and sing for me all day? I could pay you, seriously. He’s even looking hotter this week. Wait…ew, I felt a little icky calling Elliott hot. He does look a lot better with facial hair (takes attention away from those tragic chompers), but he still looks like an elongated Rumplestiltskin. All of that aside, his version of “Teach Me Tonight” was dessert for my ears. Vanilla Betty Crocker cake with cream cheese frosting and rainbow sprinkles. I don’t know what other way to describe it. His voice makes any songwriter seem more brilliant than they really are, and I don’t care if he wins or loses, if he picks up a record deal, I will scrounge up every penny I have (which I literally did do when I bought Desperate Housewives on DVD which was really funny–I was holding a huge ziploc bag of 40 dollars worth of nickels and dimes–but that’s another story) to go buy it wherever I can find it. Please, please vote for Elliott, people.

Grade: A

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Kellie Pickler is back! I was so worried about her this week. Last week’s snooze-fest also known as “Blame It On The Sun” really set Kellie back a bit, and fueled buzz about her talent not living up to her dynamic charming personality. I knew that if she didn’t deliver this week that there was a chance she could be gone. And of course, upon hearing that the theme was the 50’s, I was terrified. I imagined Kellie Pickler singing Bette Midler’s “Stuff Like That There” (see Kelly Clarkson), and my eyes bulged out of my head in fright. But when I heard Kellie say that she was singing Patsy Cline, I was thankfully relieved. She sang “Walkin’ After Midnight”, and once again her innocently sexy attitude and her luke-warm but still powerful and edgy country-rock vocals pulled out a great performance and I was thoroughly proud. It seems as if Kellie has racked up quite a large anti-fanbase along the way, which alarms me but doesn’t. I’m remembering these same reactions to Carrie Underwood last year, and she turned out just fine. Now Kellie is in no way as talented a vocalist as Carrie Underwood, true, but Carrie’s personality can’t hold a candle to Kellie’s sweetness and charm.

Grade: B+

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Ace Young closed out the 2 hour episode with “In The Still of the Night”, and I have to say, I was concerned. As soon as I heard the song choice, I muttered “Oh, honey.” First of all, group songs are just a no-no, and second, it’s just not that great of a song to sing in general, especially for someone like Ace, who doesn’t have the most versatile voice and needs to pick songs that work well for his style of singing. But I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. After Ace’s popsicle melting “Father Figure” and orgasm inducing “Butterflies”, I pegged him as someone with a pretty voice, but really knows how to make the performance work as a whole to cover up for the lack of vocal ability. But pretty-faced Ace showed off some belting in this performance and of course utilized that cotton-soft falsetto at the end that makes me melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Still not as good as previous performances, but again, that more has to do with song choice. I don’t think there’s much chance of Ace re-claiming his frontrunner status, but he’ll definitely be around for a little longer.

Grade: B-

Download mp3 here.

Download video here.

Best Overall Performance: Paris Bennett and Katharine McPhee

Best Vocal: Mandisa

Most Original: Chris Daughtry

Going Home: Bucky Covington (was wrong about this last week–hopefully I’m not this time)

So far, this has been a pretty good season of “American Idol“. We’ve seen, in past seasons, better performances at this point than in this year’s competition, but one thing this season has more of than any other season is a ridiculous number of contestants with potential. And potential, of course, is only a good thing if it as some point realized, but if last week (at least the second half of the show anyway) is any indication, the potential is turning into amazing talent. I’ve put together what I think are this season’s best performances so far, and summed up what I think is good about each contestant, as well as why they might not do so great.

Paris Bennett - “Midnight Train To Georgia”

This is still to date Paris’ best performance. It showed everything she can do as a vocalist and as a performer. It’s definitely up there with her incredible audition. Ms. Bennett definitely got back to her roots last week with Stevie Wonder’s “All I Do”, but I know she can do even better.

Ace Young - “Father Figure”

I never recognized Ace for much more than his looks until this performance. And I’ll be the first one to admit, when he performs and he’s on it, the inside of me melts and I sink down into my chair short of breath. Pitch-perfect song choice and a beautiful rendition of a very difficult song to nail made Ace clearly stand out as a front runner early in the semi-finals. Unfortunately, his performances since then have been sub-par and his frontrunner status is slowly fading. The other male vocalists like Chris Daughtry and Taylor Hicks are ready to lap up those votes like kittens on warm milk so he’s gotta bring it.

Chris Daughtry - “Hemorrhage”

Chris has to be by far the sexiest contestant ever on the show. I don’t know what it is about him–he just makes me tingle all over. And luckily for him, he’s got a lot of talent to back it up. His performances so far haven’t exactly shown all of his vocal range, but trust me people, he’s getting there. And just by watching his brilliant rendition of Fuel’s “Hemorrhage” there’s no denying he’s got the chops to stay in this until the end.

Katharine McPhee - “Until You Come Back To Me”

Can I just say that I absolutely love Katharine McPhee. She may not have Kelly Clarkson’s intonation and unbelievable range, or Fantasia’s stage lightning, or even Carrie Underwood’s adorable likability but there’s something that this girl does when she performs–a little look, a pose–just something that makes her irresistable and makes you completely feel the song. She has a beautiful voice that is laced with potential, and if she could just get past the few sharp notes she hits when full on belting or going into her higher register, she’d be golden. It’s obvious in this performance of Aretha’s classic that this girl has soul up the wazoo, and that’s what sets her apart from these other contestants.

Kellie Pickler - “I’m The Only One”

Could this girl get any cuter? Seriously, could she? I don’t understand how a single person in America could dislike Kellie Pickler. I promise you, if Carrie Underwood had Kellie’s personality, her album would sell double the copies. She has a good voice with the potential to be great, and talk about having the “it” factor, she embodies the “it factor. I’ve personally loved all of her performances (except maybe “Blame It On The Sun” which I admit had me nodding off) despite the few sharp/flat mishaps she’s had with some of the notes. This performance of Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One” and even the equally good “Something To Talk About” shows how great she can be when she’s on.

Mandisa - “I’m Every Woman”

Mandisa may not be the most marketable candidate for American Idol, but she’s definitely got some killer vocals. Watching her initial audition, her performance of Heart’s “Never”, and even her pitchy but still memorable rendition of Faith Hill’s ballad “Cry”, there’s no doubt Mandisa can blow. I’d even agree with Paula’s early assessment that there’s a very “Frenchie” feel about her voice. Then of course, there’s Simon’s response “Forget about Frenchie–she’s more like France”–which is the problem with Mandisa. Even with her vocal advantage, she can only go so far when up against people with more marketable looks, which equals bigger fanbase. In this very hot performance of the belting queen Whitney Houston’s “I’m Every Woman”, Mandisa shows off everything she’s got. More performances like this and less of last week’s “Don’t Worry About A Thing” will keep her in the running for American Idol–that and learning how to sound great even when not full on belting.

Taylor Hicks - “Livin’ For The City”

Taylor Hicks brings to this competition what Bo Bice brought to season 4 and Fantasia brought to season 3: showmanship. Taylor possesses this innate skill to make the audience get into any song he’s performing, and it’s not contrived or mechanical. It’s due to true, pure, excitement of his own–about music, and about performing. This performance of “Livin’ For The City” proves that. It’s not the most vocally challenging, but he most definitely sold the song in a way that none of the other contestants can. Let’s just hope he hasn’t peaked too soon, and that there’s better to come.

Elliott Yamin - “Moody’s Mood For Love”

I could listen to Elliott Yamin sing anything all day. He has arguably the most listenable voice of any American Idol contestant ever. It’s so silky smooth and full of velvety soul that he can tackle classics like Donny Hathaway’s “A Song For You” or even contemporary songs such as Rascal Flatts’ “Bless The Broken Road” and do it effortlessly. As with Mandisa and Taylor, his look isn’t the most marketable, but I’m hoping and praying that at least for this guy’s sake, America looks past faces and sees Elliott’s unmistakable talent. This rendition of “Moody’s Mood For Love” proves it. The only way he can remain in the competition when competiting against heartthrobs Chris Daughtry, Ace Young, and even the (arguably) adorable Kevin Covais is to blow us away every single week.

Lisa Tucker, Bucky Covington, and Kevin Covais

This is going to piss a lot of people off, but I need to be honest. I could post these three contestants best performances, but even their best can in no way be included in a list called “Best of American Idol”. These three have yet to have a “wow” performance, and I don’t think any of them should even still be in the competition. Lisa Tucker has shown potential but has yet to in any way live up to it. Kevin Covais is cute and has a good voice, but this adorable Grandma-and-all-her-friends-want-to-pinch-your-cheek thing can only carry your average vocals but so far. Bucky Covington is so ridiculously out of his league I hardly even know what to say except that I’m completely clueless as to why a single person has ever picked up the phone to vote for him. He’s never shown any range, he doesn’t have great delivery or stage presence, and he doesn’t even have a personality that engages you. I just…don’t…get it.

Oh lord. Stevie Wonder night. How many wanna bet they butcher his catalogue?

Melissa McGhee’s black dress was stunning. Obviously she’s singing a ballad.

The show starts.

Ace Young, what the hell sweetheart. I’m gonna need you to find the pitch. As soon as he said he was gonna sing “Do I Do” I knew he was fucked. First of all, if you’re gonna sing a song like that, you at least need to stay in the right key. Second, you need to have charisma (see Mario Vazquez). Paula needs to get her ears and her blood checked. All that valium’s giving you delusions of grandeur sweetheart.

Kellie Pickler, what people love about you is that you’re adorable and unpretentious. The dress, the hair, even the song, it was all a little too Celine Dion. The rendition of the song was sweet, but you were nervous out of your ass, and it was one of the most boring performances I’ve ever seen in the top 12. With that said, as Simon would say, she’s going to “sail through” to next week. Let’s not forget people, Carrie Underwood’s performance of “When Will I Be Loved” in the first week of the Top 12 didn’t get good comments from the judges either. Then she came back next week and sang “Alone“.

Elliott Yamin, if you win, please use that million dollars to fix your teeth. I’m starting to feel like I’m watching someone sing in a subway station. With that said, it was a good performance, and the run at the end was great. He’s got a beautiful, soulful voice. He’s just gotta learn to color up the songs a bit more. Especially Stevie.

Mandisa’s performing barefoot. I feel slightly uncomfortable. It might have something to do with the fact that the midriff of her body is the most odd shape I’ve ever seen in my life. Or the fact that this is the shittiest song choice she could have possibly made. A few good vocal runs, but we already know you can sing. The performance overall was effective at best. Hopefully we’ll see better from you in later weeks.

Bucky Covington. First of all, your name’s Bucky. That in itself is a reason not to vote for you. Someone remind me how the lead singer of Nickelback’s inbred 3rd cousin got on American Idol? Second, this guy singing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition is like Hilary Duff playing Effie in Dreamgirls. Never again. Never…again. Please go back to the spontaneous hole in the ground in Utah you crawled out of.

Melissa McGhee, like I said, looks beautiful tonight. Very Felicity Huffman at the Oscars. Except a bit more Transamerica and a bit more tits. She’s singing “Lately”. I love this song. RJ Helton turned it out the first season. What..the…hell..? She absolutely BUTCHERED the lyrics and was off-pitch everywhere. She’s got a voice like Randy said, but how can you forget the words to “Lately“, sweetheart? And not just once, four times. I don’t agree with Simon that it was her best performance, she’s had better in past weeks, but it was a pretty good performance.

Lisa Tucker. Grr. I absolutely hate this girl and wish to God Ayla Brown was in her place. She’s so ridiculously overrated and I’m not sure why. What performance has she had so far that the judges have said has blown them away? Yet she’s the best 16 year old the show’s ever had? N-n-n-no. Her rendition of Tiffany Taylor’s “Here’s Where I Stand” was horrendous and she completely dodged the high note at the end that would’ve made the performance. What the hell is she wearing tonight? This outfit is a little too tween Pussycat dolls. And the performance of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” is laughable. Why do the judges keep saying how great she is? Where is the proof? It’s definitely not in the pudding. Simon…honey…best performance of the night? Can I have some of the acid you just dropped?

Kevin Covais. I’m gonna need you to not look like an albino fetus. I’ll admit it, at random moments, you are a little adorable. But mostly just annoying and freaky. What’s with the song choices tonight? Why in hell would he choose “Part-Time Lover“? The vocals..the dancing…the face….please excuse me while I go drown myself in my uncleaned toilet bowl. And have I mentioned yet how much I hate it when contestants get all pissy with Simon? Did Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood ever back-talk? No, they just took the criticism, nodded and smiled, and went on to win without ever even being in the bottom 3. Get over it.

Katharine McPhee looks great tonight. She looks very Martina McBride meets old Hollywood. I love her. Yes, honey. Finally someone’s on pitch. Oh, she sounds great. Stevie’s right, this girl has a lot of potential. This rendition of “‘Til You Come Back To Me” is beautiful. The great thing about Katharine is she knows how to make a performance magical even with the quiet moments. YES! Wow. Simon just compared Katharine to Kelly Clarkson. What a huge compliment.

Taylor Hicks, bitches. He really knows how to make you feel a song. I don’t know what it is about this man, but his performances just have this authenticity, this heart and soul that makes you smile without even realizing it. You feel the music in your veins. Great performance of “Living For The City“–I see him going so far. Just one thing Taylor…the caterpillars parked above your eyes are bothering me a bit.

Paris Bennett. Not sure about the Ghetto Fab Barbie look, but I love this girl’s voice. She’s singing “All I Do” and she’s singing the HELL out of it. Go ‘head GIRL! Paris is very Fantasia but younger, and with a more listenable voice. I really cannot wait to see what happens when this brilliant vocalist pulls out all the stops.

Chris Daughtry. I..need to marry this man. I love him. I just want to oil up that bald head, rub my hands all over it—uhhh, I mean…great performance. Most original of the night, definitely. But I don’t think it was the best vocal of the night. And I think vocally Chris can do much better.

Best of the Night:

Vocal: Katherine McPhee

Performance: Taylor Hicks

Originality: Chris Daughtry

Going Home: Bucky Covington