Worst Dressed

Is anyone else truly frightened? I am. You do know Corpse Bride was just a movie, right Helena Bonham Carter? I’m gonna need you to put the Kate Moss meets Bjork collection back in the closet. America isn’t ready.

We haven’t seen big black women sport trash bags since Missy Elliott’s “I Can’t Stand The Rain” back in the late 90s. Guess the Queen decided to try to bring that shit back. Sorry honey, history’s not quite ready to repeat itself yet. Especially since it didn’t really work the first time.

I’m sure Reese Witherspoon was really wary of her Oscar gown pick last night, especially after the Golden Globes duplicate dress debacle. But I don’t understand this dress. Why do I get the feeling it was inspired by Liberace’s dining room chandelier? Go with something a bit simpler next time, honey. Ryan’s face will get you all the attention you need.

Can someone explain to me why Charlize Theronis wearing a satin cat on her shoulder? Why, Charlize? You would’ve actually looked decent without your shoulder pad purse.

What in hell was Naomi Watts thinking? I know you weren’t nominated and it sucks, and I know King King was not a great financial success and probably set you back a few points with the critics, and I know your love life sucks meanwhile your best gal Nicole Kidman is getting married, but did you really have to take it out on Nana’s old drapes?

Best Dressed

The always classy and graceful Ziyi Zhang looked beautiful in this get-up last night. Unlike some other actresses (cough-cough Keira Knightley cough-cough) that don’t have as Fergie would say “lovely lady lumps”, she knows what dresses work for her body. And this one most definitely does. By the way, I hear she might be dating Jake Gyllenhaal. Hm…

There were audible gasps when Felicity Huffman and her well-respected husband William H. Macy stepped out of their car to walk down the red carpet–and for good reason. Huffman, who should have won last night by the way, looked absolutely incredible in this gorgeous black gown. What is it about the Desperate Housewives and always looking so damned beautiful? Well..unless you’re Teri Hatcher.

Jennifer Aniston (who I hope is actually in a good movie sometime soon) looked beautiful in her black dress with a pretty, thin train. Where’s Vince, though?

Jennifer Garner has to be one of the most adorable actresses in Hollywood. She’s sexy, but not raunchy, and she picked the perfect dress for her last night and hid her apparent leftover “baby weight” as well as she could. And much kudos to her for recovering from her almost-fall before she presented an award–leaving us with a great line “I do my own stunts.”

And now we come to Jessica Alba. Why exactly invited to the Oscars? The world will never know. Last I heard, both Fantastic Four and Into The Blue were critical duds, but she gave us one of the greatest gowns on the red carpet last night, and her hair was absolutely beautiful. Not even the March issue of Playboy can take away from this gorgeous golden dress.

Honorable Mentions:

This is Naomi Watts’ dress done right. Good job, Uma. You look great. Well…minus the cheap hooker smokey eye shadow. But we’ll try to forget that, along with Prime.